I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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