you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
