i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
