My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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