no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
