maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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