You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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