My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
