I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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