I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
a search helicopter?!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We need a shit load of segways right now
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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