So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
