Michael Bay diarrhea
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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