i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
