planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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