i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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