masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
