Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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