Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
