The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
