And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
