I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
