literally had 100 drinks last night.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
