Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
