I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
