I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
