woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
