I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
