you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
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