I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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