nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
