You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
the liver wants what the liver wants
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
