A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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