I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
