just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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