We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
