It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
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