Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize