if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
