Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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