My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
