Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
