I puked a lego.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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