Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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