Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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