she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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