What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
