I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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