On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
