I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
