i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
