yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
