yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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