If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
