just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
