god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
