i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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