i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize